painting on canvas and how does it relate to feminism?

this title is not to be taken too seriously, please!
I am writing in english, so more people may understand, please excuse my poor language, I am not a native speaker 😉

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I have always been scared to paint on canvas and since I am involved in a couple of online art courses that include painting on canvas this issue is coming up for me quite strongly at the moment.
So I am beginning to ask myself, why is it that I am afraid of the canvas while I have no trouble at all wasting paper, messing around on wood or even painting on a wall.

here are some thoughts I have come up with:

first.
in my universe canvas stands for “proper art” – so immediately when I start on a canvas I feel intimidated by some voice that tells me, I should be producing something that is worthy of being put up in a living room or even in an art gallery. My mother used to own an art gallery and I spent some time of my young adulthood serving people champagne at Vernissages, listening to a lot of sophisticated talking. I was always drawn to creating art, painting, drawing and sculpting, but I never cared so much about the outcome. I simply enjoyed doing it.

second.
my mother – being a supporter of many great artists and actually spending a lot of her savings on them – was of course a want-to-be artist herself. She struggled all her life wanting to create art but being blocked by her own expectations which she could never quite meet. How does this relate to me? Actually I have overcome the feeling of being blocked by now, but only when I don’t give too much value to what I do…
“Oh… it’s just a scribble” “Well, this is just a little painting in my art journal” When I create small little cute things that fit into a little corner, I can allow myself to be creative. But to create something big, something quite permanent, something that takes up space and makes a statement… that is really pushing my self-imposed boundaries.

third.
maybe I just love the small and the fleeting? When I was a singer I used to love making music, jamming, writing songs… But when it came to concerts and reproducing songs… and being judged by an audience, I lost the fun of it. So it may be also a part of my personality that loves to create something that is more for the moment than to be permanent.

How does this relate to feminism? Well…

… taking space, allowing for time and room for myself, putting myself into the center of my life, these are all issues related to the canvas that is standing right in front of me.

I am happy to hear about your thoughts and experiences on this.
And I know that men can of course also have issues with this thing called canvas.

Let’s see where this leads me… I will keep exploring!

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